This is the first of two blogs about being alone. I don’t have time tonight to write all my thoughts down, so I’ll just share tonight’s “Darkness Diary” journal entry.

“The loneliness is seeping in. Pervasive. Irresistible. It’s not crushing. Not destructive. It just is. It hurts.
But, you know, I’ll survive. I always have.
I’ve long worn the mantle of lone wolf. I hold myself aloof. When I feel myself growing attached I violently pull away. I avoid entanglements like the plague. I eagerly pour myself out for others. I expend time, effort, money, and much more for people. This is, after all, the Christian thing to do. But I am selfish in my generosity. I refuse to allow others to help me. And thus I am always lonely.

I desperately want to get married. I desperately want a wife. Nights spent alone are hard. What bliss it would be to drift asleep in another’s embrace! But I’m too strong for that. I’m too rigid. I refuse to become dependant. I refuse to need anyone. I’m too afraid of being hurt, I guess. Though I hate to say that. I like to think of myself as tough and capable of getting hurt without being crushed. I like to think I’m brave. But I’m really just a coward.

But I will not move. I will not bow. So here I am. Alone in my own house, creating imaginary people to talk to, as I have my entire life, to try to fill the empty hole inside me.

Yeah, I know – God completes us and fills our every need. But He’s got a weird idea of what meeting my needs is, and I never feel satisfied. I always feel alone.

Sure, I agree- that’s my fault. But it doesn’t change the fact that I am still alone. I am still empty. I am still hollow. I am still a singular creature, desperately longing for something, or rather someone, more.

-Josh Crain.”

***More to follow tomorrow.