“Cheer up!” “Smile!” “What’s wrong?” “You need to smile more!” “Why are you so sad?”

This is just a smattering of what I hear on a day to day basis. For some reason, people think I look upset all the time. And then for some even more bizarre reason, they feel the need to fix me by commanding me to cheer up.

That’s the ticket! Give me good firm order! That’ll put a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye! Goodness! I feel better already!

I don’t know what it is about my face that makes people assume I’m constantly upset. Perhaps it’s just the way my skin is drawn when my facial muscles are relaxed. Granted, I don’t really have a very bubbly personality. When I’m in a crowd, I prefer to keep to myself. But how all that translates into, “this guy is seriously unhappy,” is beyond me.

For a long time I struggled with depression and figures people could see how messed up I was inside. But I’m well on my way to recovery now and have been for almost a year. In general, I consider myself a pretty content person.

The crazy thing is that when I’m actually really struggling with something, no one  ever asks what’s going on. Maybe I wear a mask of false joviality at times like this. I guess I’m not sure.

But everytime I get one of the aforementioned comments, it’s when I’m content, happy, or in my “zone.” 

For instance, the other day I was at work, doing a stack of parts I enjoy, listening to one of my favorite albums- Demon Hunter’s Outlive.  I was as content as I’ve ever been at work. It was a good day. 

Then out if the blue the co-worker who runs the machine next to mine asked in gentle concern, “are you doing OK?” 

It totally caught me by surprise. I really couldn’t have been doing better, and here she had seen me and thought I looked distraught enough that she should say something. It was a touching gesture… But I was happy. I almost felt bad informing her that everything was going swimmingly.

I actually really appreciate that kind of concern. If you ever are concerned about me and want to make sure I’m alright, please do. Because I guarantee you, the one time you remain silent will be the time I need you the most. And even if I don’t need you, it’s always nice to know that people care.

But, if you want a sure fire way to absolutely ruin whatever good mood I may be in, or make a bad mood worse, tell me I need to smile more.

Don’t get me wrong, smiling is great. I like smiling. You can light up a room or make someone’s day that much better with a genuine smile. A genuine smile is good medicine in so many cases. But it has to be genuine. 

When you come up to someone who perhaps doesn’t feel like smiling, or maybe just doesn’t want to go around all day grinning like a fleshless skull, and you tell the things like, “you need to stop looking so sad,” or “you need to smile more,” or (my personal favourite), “you need to find the joy of the Lord,” …

What are you even thinking?! I mean what goes through your head before you say these things? I try to imagine what you might be saying to yourself, but it always sounds so ludicrous, I can’t possible believe some one would think it-

“Joshua really must need the joy of the Lord today, because he’s not looking very cheery. I’m going to go give him a stern lecture on why he needs to smile more. That’ll fix everything.”

It sounds stupid, doesn’t it? And yet that’s how I get treated all the time. 

Today I got told I need to “smile”, “cheer up”, and “be happy” by three co-workers. I’m like, “see this? This is what my face looks like. Get used to it.” I was actually happy this morning. By the third person I was starting to get ornery. 

Last week I got a long lecture from a co-worker about finding the joy of the Lord in my life. And while that particular topic is one I’ve been studying, nothing that he said could be backed by any scripture, though he’s not the first, or second, or even third Christian to tell me such things. Somehow Christians have got this weird idea that being followers of Jesus we are supposed to be bubbly little rays of sunshine or some such nonsense- they have the idea that the “Joy of the Lord,” means we beam obnoxiously at anyone and everything and plaster fake plastic smiles over our faces.
Let me say this- to someone who is mentally healthy, this kind of treatment is annoying at best and “good mood decimating” at worst. It makes me downright cranky. 

But to someone trapped in depression as I was not so long ago, this kind of treatment is the equivalent of a dagger through the heart. Because your sadness becomes who you are. You don’t really know how to smile. You forget what joy and happiness are. It leaves you angry, confused, hurting, and feeling even more alone and dark than before.

I remember one Sunday in the midst of my darkest days, I was having a rare good day. The worship set had been great. They were songs I had felt I could sing from the heart. Lyrics that meant something. Music that drew me in and made me feel just the teensiest bit less dead inside. It was like a glimmer of light in a pitch black cavern.

Church had just let out when someone approached me and gave me a five minute lecture on why I need to smile more when I’m singing to show everyone how happy I am that Jesus had set me free, and how glad I was to worship Him. 

I left that day feeling so angry and so desperately alone. I had nothing but hate burning in my heart for that person.

Now, of course, my hate was a result of my sin and my wickedness. It was no fault of theirs. 

But I think Satan knew how I would respond to that. He saw just the little bit of reprieve I had found in worshipping God with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and knew just how to destroy that and use that against me. And I believe he prompted this person to speak those words to me.

I don’t know of anything that could have been more damaging to my heart at that time than the words spoken to me. I carried the weight of that day for months. In fact, it still hurts.

I’m not saying this to condemn or call out the person who approached me that day. I know they meant well. And my response was nothing short of sin. If that person is reading this and remembers that day, please forgive me. I was wrong. 

But, people, we need to carefully measure the weight of our words. We need to realize the power of the things we say. 

As James says, the tongue is a small member, but it is like a rudder in that it steers the whole ship. Our words have power to build up or destroy. To heal or wound.

If you see someone who you think may be unhappy, or may need to smile to help lighten their load, rather than instructing them on how they need to fix themselves, step in and be the reason they smile. Help then out with something. Buy them coffee. Smile to them. Crack a joke. Go out of your way to serve them. Lead by example. Not by your words. And above all, ask for God’s guidance in how to best serve them. 

Remember, we as Christians are servants. I’m not writing this out of any attitude of piety or something like that. I’m just as guilty of these things as anyone else. 

George McDonald wrote something I’ll never forget. He said,

“We are all very anxious to be understood, but there is one thing​ more important still… To understand others.”
So instead of talking all the time, let’s be quite and listen to others. Let’s try to understand them. And serve them. 

Now, I’ll follow my own advice and shut up. Thanks for reading!

Joshua I. Crain.