I need joy. I don’t mind being a sad person. I don’t mind being a not happy person. Sorrow has become part of my identity. And I’m OK with that. As messed up as it may sound, I’m content in sorrow. Jesus was called a man of sorrows. So I figure I’m in good company.

Happiness isn’t joy. I don’t want to be happy. I want to be joyful. I used to be consumed with finding peace. But now that I at least have a grasp on what that might mean, now that its not something completely foreign and elusive, my focus has shifted to finding the joy of the Lord. 

I believe that God is essentially joyful. He is continually glad. Even when our human condition, our sin and rebellion, grieve Him deeply, He still maintains joy. He is joy. In Him all of our joy can be found. And all of our strength as believers in Christ is derived from that joy.

That being said, I’m pretty sure Im the weakest Christian in the world. I have no clue what Joy even looks like. Or feels like. I don’t really know how to find it. I am an essentially glum person. I’m no longer clinically depressed, but I’m a cynic, a pessimist, a fatalist. If you want someone to make you feel good about life of the future or humanity, don’t talk to me. 

But I don’t know joy. I want Joy. I desperately crave the joy of the Lord. But my walk of faith is so weak. I’m so sinful. Im so insincere in my faith, I’m so inconsistent in my Love for God. 

I’m an angry person. I’m unfaithful to my King. I’m lazy, self absorbed, unmotivated, and a slave to my flesh. I desperately want to be free from all that. A feel that I can’t find Joy where I’m at. But I need to be free. 

Father, help me. As Brian Welch says, “save me from myself.” I can’t save myself. I can’t even help myself. 

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” Romans 7:18
This is me. Verbatim. I can’t even do things I want to. I can’t stop myself from the things I don’t want to do. 

It’s a huge wall separating me from God. And I can’t break free. 

And I fear I will never know joy til I do.

Lord, I need You. I desperately want You. I want Your joy and peace and hope. You have saved me from the pit of my depression. You have lifted me from that all consuming darkness. Please, now Lord, lift me to a place of all consuming light.
-Joshua I Crain.